Miscellany

So far, there are two major categories here:

1. Humor and Quotes
2. Other Miscellany

Humor and quotes

Over the years, I've collected humor and quotations in broad categories, related to:

• where I was working at the time
• business in general
• computing
• writing
• life and related topics.

Here are some of each. There are more than a few "classics."

Company-related

Doing a good job around here is like peeing in a dark suit: it gives you a warm feeling, but hardly anyone notices. —Unknown

FCC "Grant-in-Part" for radio beacon, KTU-8, at Aufies Airfield, North Slope, Alaska was not accepted due to their change of our coordinates by the Inter-Govt Radio Allocation Control (IGRAC) Group, FAA, Anchorage. Their change placed the beacon in the middle of the proposed runway. We feel this wouild be a safety hazard to say the least. FCC Washington has agreed to amend subject license ASAP. —from a 1974 Communications Facilty status report, under Radio Facilities

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Business-related

There is hardly anything in the world that some man cannot make a little worse and sell a little cheaper. He who buys based on price alone is that man's lawful prey. —John Ruskin

Notice: The objective of all dedicated company employees should be to thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon.

However... when you are up to your ass in alligators, it is difficult to remind yourself that your initial objective was to drain the swamp. —Unknown

A consultant is a high-priced "expert" who borrows your watch to tell you what time it is. —Ann Landers

There is nothing more difficult to plan, more doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage than the creation of a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit by the preservation of the old system and merely lukewarm defenders in those who would gain by the new one. —Machiavelli, 1513

Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill. —Unknown

Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. —Unknown

The market is not reality. Nor is it the reflection of reality. It is the REFLECTION of the PERCEPTION of reality. —Josh Jaffe

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Computing-related

The real cost of computing comes from the other side of the keyboard. Hardware, software, and peripherals are cheap. People are expensive. —Cheryl Currid, WINDOWS Magazine, March 1995

Concerned users will be relieved to note that no software engineers were harmed during the testing of this product. —(Unknown) software product disclaimer

Although programming techniques have improved immensely since the early days, the process of finding and correcting errors in programming - known graphically if inelegantly as "debugging" - still remains a most difficult, confused and unsatisfactory operation. The chief impact of this state of affairs is psychological. Although we are happy to pay lip service to the adage that to err is human, most of us like to make a small private reservation about our own performance on special occasions whe we really try. It is somewhat deflating to be shown publicly and incontrovertibly by a machine that even when we do try, we in fact make just as many mistakes as other people. If your pride cannot recover from this blow, you will never make a programmer. —C. Strachey, Systems Analysis and Programming, 1966

Comments in a FORTRAN source listing preceding a bypassed section of code (date unknown):

 C   THE FOLLOWING GOTO ELIMINATES A FEATURE WHICH IS NICE BUT NOT
 C   ESPECIALLY IMPORTANT AND CERTAINLY NOT WORTH THE TROUBLE IT'S GIVING

And Golub described tongue-in-cheek the life cycle of a system development project going through six phases: wild enthusiasm, disillusionment, total confusion, search for the guilty, punishment of the innocents and promotion of non-particpants. —source unknown, quoted endlessly sans preamble.

Kern's corollary to Murphy's law, formulated originally with reference to household repairs, but now known to have much wide application, states: "You will only be able to do it properly if you have to do it more than once." —Chris Kern, American Way, 1984

On two occasions I have been asked (by the members of Parliament), "Pray, Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question. —Charles Babbage, On the Analytical Engine

"Is computer science a science?"
"Is a barnacle a ship?"
—Walter J. Weller (RIP)

A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices.
"The Tao is embodied in all software—regardless of how insignificant," said the master.
"Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
"It is," came the reply.
"Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
"It is even in a video game," said the master.
"And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said.
—The Tao of Programming

If I have seen farther than others, it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants. —Isaac Newton
If I have seen not farther than others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. —Hal Abelson
In computer science, we stand on each others' feet. —Brian K. Reed

Application   unknown has caused a fatal exception 00   at memory address   0000:0000. Smash keyboard with forehead to continue. —Do you need to ask?

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Writing-related

An alarming new study shows that 14 percent of Americans do not speak English, and the vast majority of them write computer manuals. —Dave Barry

An editor... comes down from the mountain after the battle and shoots the wounded. —Unknown

I may not agree with what you say, but I'll defend to the death my right to mock you. —Matt Hicks, Tech. Writer, Unidata

No shirt, no shoes, no paycheck... —Gwen Barnes, Tech. Writer, Mustang Software, Inc.

There's not much to be said about the period except that most writers don't reach it soon enough. —William Zinsser

Reading the manual is admitting defeat. —Unknown

Notice: Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author —Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens) Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, 1884

Entry in a library's new acquisitions list, under Business/Economics:

   338.5443  Harman, Willis, W.
   H287          Incomplete guide to the future.  San Francisco, 1976
                 Portable Stanford series.

"Simply drag your mother-in-law's cell-phone number from the Address Book to the Laser Satellite icon, and the Targeting Wizard will locate her. Then follow the on-screen prompts for gigawatt power setting and beam dispersion pattern..." —Windows for Early Warning and Defense User's Manual, page 385

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Life and other topics

Few people have the imagination for reality. —Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

"You know," said Arthur, "it's times like this, when I'm trapped in a Vogon airlock with a man from Betelgeuse, and about to die of asphyxiation in deep space, that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me when I was young."

"Why, what did she tell you?"

"I don't know, I didn't listen."
—Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

Life is like an analogy. —Unknown

I may not know much about __________ (fill in the blank), but I like what I know. —Unknown

Problems worthy of attack / prove their worth by hitting back. —Piet Hein, Grooks

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?"

"Supposing it didn't?" said Pooh after careful thought. —A.A. Milne (in ?)

"Well, there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and SPAM; bacon and SPAM; egg, bacon, sausage and SPAM; SPAM, bacon, sausage and SPAM; SPAM, egg, SPAM, SPAM, bacon and SPAM; SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, egg and SPAM; SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, baked beans, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM and SPAM; or Lobster Thermidor aux crevettes with a Mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate', brandy and a fried egg on top of SPAM." —Monty Python's Flying Circus

Distrust all those in whom the impulse to punish is strong. —Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzche

I am strapped. I am over-extended. The cupboard is bare-like a dog without a bone. My current bananas have already been allocated. I am helpless. I'm sorry. Times are hard. There is no room at the inn. My hands are tied. The party is over. The train has left. The warrant is signed. There is no blood in the turnip. Time to pack it in, hang it up, knock off, call it quits, ring down the curtain, close up shop, give up hope, jump ship, turn tail, hit the road, and holler uncle. —adapted from Garrison Keillor, 1985

The world is divided into two sorts of people - those who agree with you, and the blind, ignorant, prejudiced fools. —Anonymous

The world is divided into two sorts of people - those who think the world is divided into two sorts of people and those who don't. —Epigonos the Epigraphist

The mathematician looks at other disciplines. When asked to prove the false statement "all odd numbers are prime",

• the physicist answers, "Let's see... 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... Wait, 9 can be divided by 3... but 11 is prime, and 13 is prime. Yes, all odd numbers are prime; 9 must be an experimental error."
• the chemist answers, "Well, 3 is odd and it's prime... 5 is odd, and it's prime... 7 is odd and it's prime... I guess that's enough data to say that all odd numbers are prime."
• the engineer answers, "All right, 3 is odd and it's prime, 5 is prime... 7 is prime... 9 is prime... 11 is prime... 13 is prime..."
• the theologian answers, "Yes, 3 is prime. Since that is so, I think we could say that all odd numbers are prime."

—from the Seattle Science Center

Use moderation in moderation. —Esophagus, 44 BC

And if I laugh at any mortal thing, 'tis that I may not weep. —Oscar Wilde

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. —Francis Bacon

There is much pleasure to be gained from useless knowledge. —Bertrand Russell

"Sorry, this is Verbal Abuse. Arguments is down the hall." —Monty Python's Flying Circus

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Other Miscellany

Interesting things—often examples of serendipity

While trying to find something else, I ran across this table, showing the equivalent human age for a cat at various ages. The table is courtesy of http://www.snopes.com/critters/wild/dogyears.htm, The format changes are mine, the data is theirs.

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Funny cat lines

Yes, they're out of place. So shoot me. It's my site. And yes, I'm a cat person.

All these one-liners are attributed to that prolific writer Anonymouse.

Oxymoron: Catproof

Pets are fun. My cat likes to play Hide-and-Go-Puke.

Purring: The sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.

Realize that EVERYTHING is a cat toy.

Sure, it's clean laundry. The cat's sitting on it, isn't he?

The cat keeps its spare fur under the refrigerator.

The great charm of cats is their rampant egotism.

To a cat, "NO!" means "Not while I'm looking!"

Two thousand years ago, Egyptians worshipped cats. The cats never forgot it.

Dogs have masters. Cats have servants.

Silly humans. Nothing is catproof.

Dogs come when you call them. Cats tell you to leave a message and they'll get back to you.

If cats could talk, they'd remind us that their ancestors ate ours.

Many people own cats... and go on to lead normal lives.

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